swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
