Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
