you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
