Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize