You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
