some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
