Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
