even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
