I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
