I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So squirting runs in the family.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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