Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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