You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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