The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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