Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
