I'm jealous of your bromance
i was born a porn star she said
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
