Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
