I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize