We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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