sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
