I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
