I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize