He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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