My room smells like vodka and shame
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
