okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
