Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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