I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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