there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
