Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
