Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
