Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
