I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
