Im at strip club and am horny
plz talk dirty to me
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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