shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize