I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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