I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
