I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
