dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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