You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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