i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
