I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
