??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize