I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Do vagina's smell?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
