farters have to be the big spoon...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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