take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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