I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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