i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
