I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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