My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize