There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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