he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Randomize
