there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
