She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
