you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
