I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
