how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
