I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
