i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
