Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
