You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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