Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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